Lying Behavior

Here's a simple "law" about lying. People don't know what their behavior is when they lie. During a normal conversation, John might look in all directions, take relaxed breaths, make some facial expressions. The context of a normal conversation is just that - normal conversation.

But, when John is lying, the context changes to abnormal conversation. Here are a few of the differences:

His eyes will focus into a narrow range of movement - if they move at all. A year or so ago, Idaho Senator Larry Craig was interviewed on TV in an attempt to persuade people of his innocence. It didn't work because his behavior during the interview was so practiced and forced.

His breathing will speed up, as though he's jogging. That's because he's getting excited. He's found himself trapped in a corner. His fight/flight bell is ringing off the wall.

His facial expressions will become stiff and his eyes are likely to get wide.

That's for most people - most honest people. We just don't have lying skills. But, a lot of people do. They are masters at lying and manipulating. If you have to deal with someone like that, don't worry about catching them in a lie. They're probably too practiced to make stupid mistakes. So, your strategy would be to avoid pathological liars, or get away from them when you discover their need to lie. Dealing with a liar is a no-win situation for you. This is true if we're talking about your boyfriend, wife, co-worker or boss. You will always get burned if you deal with liars.

-- Michael

Tell Tale Signs of Lying?

The TV show is wonderful - if only because it has nudged people into (finally) paying attention to the behavior of the people they talk to. So many of our clients over the years had totally missed this point. The guy in front of you is telling you by his actions whether he believes you or is even listening to you.

• If he doesn't believe you, he'll curl a lip or suck on the inside of his lips to show contempt. He'll also move his eyes downward and move them back and forth. When he does that, he's talking to himself, then testing how he feels about it, then talking to himself some more and then retesting his feelings.

• If he has stopped listening, he'll be non-responsive. His eyes will defocus. When people are not focused on anything specific, they tend to get diverted by something bright or anything that moves. So, the guy who is not listening to you will likely display that by looking away from you - watching a car go by or a bird fly past or just out a window.

The TV show make it seem like anyone who twists a wedding band is telling you a lie. That's baloney. It is a sign of something, probably discomfort. Then, it's your job to figure out what is causing that discomfort.

The point is, pay attention, notice anything that moves on the person's body or face and figure out what it means. Is it a good sign or a red flag.

Our area of expertise is the face. We can read personality types, values and communication style in faces. We can also read internal mental/emotional turmoil. So can you. Having trouble with a boss, co-worker or client? Got a boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse you can't figure out? We can help.

If you're starting to get interested in reading people, you need to buy our book Face Values. It is the most important book you can find on reading people.

Here's the link to more information: http://www.aboutpeople.com/Catalog/index.php

Got questions? Just get in touch: michael@aboutpeople.com

-- Michael Lovas

Is your girlfriend "High Maintenance?"

If you're a guy who loves his freedom, there is no greater kiss of death than to hook up with a girl who is "high maintenance." She sucks the life right out of you. I know - I've been there. No matter how good the sex is...no matter what a trophy she is, if she needs a lot of hands-on and emotional support - RUN!

So, how do you know? How can you tell if your GF is going to suck the life out of you? I'm gong to teach you three ways:

1. Look at her forehead. If she rarely ever moves here eyebrows up, that's a red flag. People who have smooth (no wrinkles) on their forehead, do not have a flexible range of emotions. They tend to need to be in control. How does that fit with your lifestyle? This is not a rule - it's just a guideline, something to watch out for.

2. Next look at her eyes, or the outside of her eyes. Does she smile there a lot? People who have little smile lines at the outside of their eyes are telling you that they smile a lot. That's good. The alternative is unacceptable - if you're a guy who likes to laugh, likes people and is naturally friendly.

3. The voice. Ever hear a little girl talk? They have that sing-song baby talk sound. In a perfect world, only little girls would talk that way. Unfortunately, some little girls are traumatized. And, some of them get stuck in that emotional space for a long time.

That's usually called "arrested development." It means that part of your trophy GF is still a little girl doing whatever she can to get her emotional needs met - the needs that were not met when she was a little girl. That easily includes lying.

It's a sad situation, but it's also a dangerous one. If you're not trained in how to deal with an abuse victim, you're exposing yourself for a lot of anguish. I know - been there and have the emotional scars to show for it.

-- Michael Lovas

The art and science of Reading people

The TV show Lie to Me is based on facial expressions and behaviors that we all do. We all shade the truth, "fudge" a little on the specifics, exaggerate the details - or in some way communicate in the gray area, rather than the black and white. Another way to say that is: we all lie.

In the show, we see a someone make a face, and the experts immediately say, "His mouth turned down 20 degrees: he's lying!" I with it were that simple, but it's not.

Normal people (boyfriend or girlfriendn) "fib," but that doesn't mean we're evil or malicious. Normal people also make faces that other people can interpret as angry, bitter, hurt, deceptive or disgusted. But, those faces are only giving us one tiny bit of information, and most of the time, that information is either unimportant or incorrect.

What can you do with that information? Use it as a red flag. Pay more attention and look for more infomation.

In this space, I will describe signs that could mean lying. And, I'll explain how you can spot them. I'll also explain what you can do to verify if that's a lie - or just something innocent.

-- Michael Lovas