Here's a simple "law" about lying. People don't know what their behavior is when they lie. During a normal conversation, John might look in all directions, take relaxed breaths, make some facial expressions. The context of a normal conversation is just that - normal conversation.
But, when John is lying, the context changes to abnormal conversation. Here are a few of the differences:
His eyes will focus into a narrow range of movement - if they move at all. A year or so ago, Idaho Senator Larry Craig was interviewed on TV in an attempt to persuade people of his innocence. It didn't work because his behavior during the interview was so practiced and forced.
His breathing will speed up, as though he's jogging. That's because he's getting excited. He's found himself trapped in a corner. His fight/flight bell is ringing off the wall.
His facial expressions will become stiff and his eyes are likely to get wide.
That's for most people - most honest people. We just don't have lying skills. But, a lot of people do. They are masters at lying and manipulating. If you have to deal with someone like that, don't worry about catching them in a lie. They're probably too practiced to make stupid mistakes. So, your strategy would be to avoid pathological liars, or get away from them when you discover their need to lie. Dealing with a liar is a no-win situation for you. This is true if we're talking about your boyfriend, wife, co-worker or boss. You will always get burned if you deal with liars.
-- Michael
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Tell Tale Signs of Lying?
The TV show is wonderful - if only because it has nudged people into (finally) paying attention to the behavior of the people they talk to. So many of our clients over the years had totally missed this point. The guy in front of you is telling you by his actions whether he believes you or is even listening to you.
- If he doesn't believe you, he'll curl a lip or suck on the inside of his lips to show contempt. He'll also move his eyes downward and move them back and forth. When he does that, he's talking to himself, then testing how he feels about it, then talking to himself some more and then retesting his feelings.
- If he has stopped listening, he'll be non-responsive. His eyes will defocus. When people are not focused on anything specific, they tend to get diverted by something bright or anything that moves. So, the guy who is not listening to you will likely display that by looking away from you - watching a car go by or a bird fly past or just out a window.
The TV show make it seem like anyone who twists a wedding band is telling you a lie. That's baloney. It is a sign of something, probably discomfort. Then, it's your job to figure out what is causing that discomfort.
The point is, pay attention, notice anything that moves on the person's body or face and figure out what it means. Is it a good sign or a red flag.
Our area of expertise is the face. We can read personality types, values and communication style in faces. We can also read internal mental/emotional turmoil. So can you. Having trouble with a boss, co-worker or client? Got a boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse you can't figure out? We can help.
If you're starting to get interested in reading people, you need to buy our book Face Values. It is the most important book you can find on reading people.
Here's the link to more information: http://www.aboutpeople.com/Catalog/index.php
Got questions? Just get in touch: michael@aboutpeople.com
-- Michael Lovas
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Who looks like a liar?
In the show Lie to Me, the "deception detectives" look for certain signs. Some of the people exhibiting those signs are lying, and others are not. Who are the people that look like they're lying, but really aren't?
According to the FBI, people who could "look" guilty include:
"youthfulness, a low or borderline intelligent quotient (IQ), mental handicap, psychological inadequacy, recent bereavement, language barrier, alcohol or other drug withdrawal, illiteracy, fatigue, social isolation, or inexperience with the criminal justice system."
Those traits can affect the person's "decision-making process, mental alertness, and suggestibility."
So, instead of being guilty of murder, the suspect might simply be guilty of being stupid or stoned or tired or stressed. Have you ever been any of those? If so (according to Lie to Me), you could have become a murder suspect.
In your personal life, what a sad situation when you're arguing with your boyfriend and you have to say to him, "Sweetie, I know you're not a liar, but you are an idiot."
What you can do next. Want to learn some really powerful techniques for reading people? Just follow this link: http://www.aboutpeople.com/Catalog/product_info.php?products_id=28
That will take you to our book Face Values. It is by far the easiest and most effective set of skills for reading people. What's more, you can learn these skills in a matter of minutes.
Read the book and you'll be reading total strangers. You'll know their values, their personality type and their communication style.
-- Michael Lovas
According to the FBI, people who could "look" guilty include:
"youthfulness, a low or borderline intelligent quotient (IQ), mental handicap, psychological inadequacy, recent bereavement, language barrier, alcohol or other drug withdrawal, illiteracy, fatigue, social isolation, or inexperience with the criminal justice system."
Those traits can affect the person's "decision-making process, mental alertness, and suggestibility."
So, instead of being guilty of murder, the suspect might simply be guilty of being stupid or stoned or tired or stressed. Have you ever been any of those? If so (according to Lie to Me), you could have become a murder suspect.
In your personal life, what a sad situation when you're arguing with your boyfriend and you have to say to him, "Sweetie, I know you're not a liar, but you are an idiot."
What you can do next. Want to learn some really powerful techniques for reading people? Just follow this link: http://www.aboutpeople.com/Catalog/product_info.php?products_id=28
That will take you to our book Face Values. It is by far the easiest and most effective set of skills for reading people. What's more, you can learn these skills in a matter of minutes.
Read the book and you'll be reading total strangers. You'll know their values, their personality type and their communication style.
-- Michael Lovas
FBI and interrogation
Lie to Me is all about reading suspects to figure out who is lying. In the show, the facial movement and hand gestures are treated as though they are fool-proof and correct 100% of the time. It's not. Let's see what the FBI has to say about it:
"Investigations may focus on the wrong person because techniques do not distinguish between stressful responses caused by deception and responses to stress caused simply by accusatory interviewing. Behaviors improperly interpreted by investigators may take on the weight of perceived evidence and increase the intensity of the police focus."
That's from an article titled: "Criminal confessions: overcoming the challenges - interview and interrogation techniques." It appeared in the November 2002 issue of the FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin.
Essentially, what that quote says is what we've been saying since Lie to Me first came into our lives - the clues that seem to show lying are actually showing stress. The stress could be the result of lying, or it could be the result of being in an uncomfortable situation.
How can you use this bit of wisdom? Easy, do not assume someone is lying because you spotted a "tell." Rather, assume there is something there that deserves a deeper look. Most of you are not cops or federal agents. Most of you use these skills in your personal life. So, please, when you see a "tell," just keep it to yourself and look deeper.
What you can do next.
Want to learn some really powerful techniques for reading people? Just follow this link: http://www.aboutpeople.com/Catalog/product_info.php?products_id=28
That will take you to our book Face Values. It is by far the easiest and most effective set of skills for reading people. What's more, you can learn these skills in a matter of minutes. Read the book and you'll be reading total strangers. You'll know their values, their personality type and their communication style.
-- Michael Lovas
"Investigations may focus on the wrong person because techniques do not distinguish between stressful responses caused by deception and responses to stress caused simply by accusatory interviewing. Behaviors improperly interpreted by investigators may take on the weight of perceived evidence and increase the intensity of the police focus."
That's from an article titled: "Criminal confessions: overcoming the challenges - interview and interrogation techniques." It appeared in the November 2002 issue of the FBI Law Enforcement Bulletin.
Essentially, what that quote says is what we've been saying since Lie to Me first came into our lives - the clues that seem to show lying are actually showing stress. The stress could be the result of lying, or it could be the result of being in an uncomfortable situation.
How can you use this bit of wisdom? Easy, do not assume someone is lying because you spotted a "tell." Rather, assume there is something there that deserves a deeper look. Most of you are not cops or federal agents. Most of you use these skills in your personal life. So, please, when you see a "tell," just keep it to yourself and look deeper.
What you can do next.
Want to learn some really powerful techniques for reading people? Just follow this link: http://www.aboutpeople.com/Catalog/product_info.php?products_id=28
That will take you to our book Face Values. It is by far the easiest and most effective set of skills for reading people. What's more, you can learn these skills in a matter of minutes. Read the book and you'll be reading total strangers. You'll know their values, their personality type and their communication style.
-- Michael Lovas
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Is your girlfriend "High Maintenance?"
If you're a guy who loves his freedom, there is no greater kiss of death than to hook up with a girl who is "high maintenance." She sucks the life right out of you. I know - I've been there. No matter how good the sex is...no matter what a trophy she is, if she needs a lot of hands-on and emotional support - RUN!
So, how do you know? How can you tell if your GF is going to suck the life out of you? I'm gong to teach you three ways:
1. Look at her forehead. If she rarely ever moves here eyebrows up, that's a red flag. People who have smooth (no wrinkles) on their forehead, do not have a flexible range of emotions. They tend to need to be in control. How does that fit with your lifestyle? This is not a rule - it's just a guideline, something to watch out for.
2. Next look at her eyes, or the outside of her eyes. Does she smile there a lot? People who have little smile lines at the outside of their eyes are telling you that they smile a lot. That's good. The alternative is unacceptable - if you're a guy who likes to laugh, likes people and is naturally friendly.
3. The voice. Ever hear a little girl talk? They have that sing-song baby talk sound. In a perfect world, only little girls would talk that way. Unfortunately, some little girls are traumatized. And, some of them get stuck in that emotional space for a long time.
That's usually called "arrested development." It means that part of your trophy GF is still a little girl doing whatever she can to get her emotional needs met - the needs that were not met when she was a little girl. That easily includes lying.
It's a sad situation, but it's also a dangerous one. If you're not trained in how to deal with an abuse victim, you're exposing yourself for a lot of anguish. I know - been there and have the emotional scars to show for it.
-- Michael Lovas
So, how do you know? How can you tell if your GF is going to suck the life out of you? I'm gong to teach you three ways:
1. Look at her forehead. If she rarely ever moves here eyebrows up, that's a red flag. People who have smooth (no wrinkles) on their forehead, do not have a flexible range of emotions. They tend to need to be in control. How does that fit with your lifestyle? This is not a rule - it's just a guideline, something to watch out for.
2. Next look at her eyes, or the outside of her eyes. Does she smile there a lot? People who have little smile lines at the outside of their eyes are telling you that they smile a lot. That's good. The alternative is unacceptable - if you're a guy who likes to laugh, likes people and is naturally friendly.
3. The voice. Ever hear a little girl talk? They have that sing-song baby talk sound. In a perfect world, only little girls would talk that way. Unfortunately, some little girls are traumatized. And, some of them get stuck in that emotional space for a long time.
That's usually called "arrested development." It means that part of your trophy GF is still a little girl doing whatever she can to get her emotional needs met - the needs that were not met when she was a little girl. That easily includes lying.
It's a sad situation, but it's also a dangerous one. If you're not trained in how to deal with an abuse victim, you're exposing yourself for a lot of anguish. I know - been there and have the emotional scars to show for it.
-- Michael Lovas
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
The eyes of a liar
One of the biggest problems with the Lie to Me TV show is that - because it's a drama - it uses actors to demonstrate negative behavior. The facial movements of someone lying is unconscious. When you purposefully make the faces, they're forced and wrong. It looks fake. So, let's look at a world-famous liar and see what to avoid.That little photo shows you the eyes of Ken Lay, the former (and late) CEO and Chairman of Enron. On July 16, 2002, Lay was indicted on 11 counts of securities fraud and related charges. He was found guilty on May 25, 2006, of 10 counts against him. He was a world-class liar.
Now, look at the eyes. What are they telling you? Do they say, "Come on it, it's safe in here?" Or are they saying, "I'm smarter than you and I'm going to steal all your money?"
In the western culture, people tend to look at you when they're talking to you. Now, that's different from glaring at you. You look at the person, look away for a few seconds, then look back. The person who turns his head, then also moves his eyes to the side is most likely in the midst of a conflict. He's not exposing what's really on his mind. Is that a lie? Probably.
The lesson here - look at where the person's face is looking in relation to where the eyes are looking. If they're looking away from you, beware!
Like this information? Visit my websiste: http://www.aboutpeople.com/
-- Michael Lovas
Is your boyfriend lying?
Most of us mean well. We want other people to see us in the best light. But, none of us lives 24 hours a day in the best light.
Most of the time, in the life of a normal person, these transgressions are unimportant. But, there are times when it IS important. There are times when we need to understand how honest someone else is with us.
In your personal life - Let's say you're about to get engaged, but you don't know enough about the other person. Is she just out for your money? Is he just looking to get laid? Will this relationship work, or is it doomed? How can you find out?
Those are questions we all need answered from time to time. And, those are the same types of things that the TV show Lie to Me explores. Who is telling a lie and why?
In real life, all people lie. In real life, we all read clues to let us know that something is not right. Some people are naturally brilliant at it, while most people need to learn a few skills in order to do it.
On TV, there are absolute signs that tell you someone is not telling the truth. That's not real life. There are no absolutes. For example, a facial twitch does not mean the person is a liar. A down-turned mouth does not mean the person is contemptuous. A look to the right does not mean the person is making up a story.
Watch this blog and I'll explain how to spot the truth, and how to spot someone who could be a problem for you. And, for more information, visit my website: http://www.aboutpeople.com/
-- Michael Lovas
Most of the time, in the life of a normal person, these transgressions are unimportant. But, there are times when it IS important. There are times when we need to understand how honest someone else is with us.
In your personal life - Let's say you're about to get engaged, but you don't know enough about the other person. Is she just out for your money? Is he just looking to get laid? Will this relationship work, or is it doomed? How can you find out?
Those are questions we all need answered from time to time. And, those are the same types of things that the TV show Lie to Me explores. Who is telling a lie and why?
In real life, all people lie. In real life, we all read clues to let us know that something is not right. Some people are naturally brilliant at it, while most people need to learn a few skills in order to do it.
On TV, there are absolute signs that tell you someone is not telling the truth. That's not real life. There are no absolutes. For example, a facial twitch does not mean the person is a liar. A down-turned mouth does not mean the person is contemptuous. A look to the right does not mean the person is making up a story.
Watch this blog and I'll explain how to spot the truth, and how to spot someone who could be a problem for you. And, for more information, visit my website: http://www.aboutpeople.com/
-- Michael Lovas
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